Going Against The Grain On David Mundell's Coming Out

There's few moments in one's life as important as a gay man's "coming out". Maybe it is just to a friend, maybe to the whole world. But it will come with fear, relief and often celebration (especially where it happens voluntarily).

So I have a great deal of sympathy for David Mundell. In his fifties and now in the public eye, he has come out as gay.

But where I think I differ from a lot of people is that I have a variety of emotions about it which never seem to be reflected in the press coverage and social media applause.

• This is a bittersweet moment for any gay man of Mundell's age, based on my personal experience. For although now the tension between private and public has been relieved, there is no turning back the clock. No chance to experience the life of the openly gay young man, an opportunity now forever missed. A tragedy for many men in Mundell's situation. 
• Though I have no doubt it was difficult for Mundell to come and took personal courage, a man of Mundell's position is hardly at much risk of personal injury or insult in this day and age. Glib comments about his bravery must sting the young boy struggling in school, desperate to hide his true feelings from the savages that lurk within every school waiting for the first sniff of weakness or non-conformity. Now a boy coming out there... that takes real bravery!
• Many often make out the story of a man of his age coming out will be inspirational to young gay guys facing a similar choice. This is hardly credible. How many young gay guys find themselves "inspired" by a politician in his 50s coming out? Most of them won't even know he did (or ever hear his name) for politics is not exactly the realm of the majority. And what is inspirational about a man who spent decades coming to terms with his sexuality? Is that something to aspire too? I'd hope not. 
• Every time I see a news story about someone coming out, I just think "And?". Why is that even a news story nowadays? Man acknowledges he finds other men attractive. Wow. Mind-blowing. NEXT!

I know it is easy for someone like me who had a very gentle and easy coming out experience, with supportive friends and little trauma, to pontificate but these stories have started to grate with the glib comments and public self-congratulation from the great and good. Moments like are absolutely personally important to the person involved. But it is far gone time we just stopped caring about it. 

It'd all be a lot easier if our forebears had heeded Harvey Milk's advice 40 years ago. Alas. 

“Gay brothers and sisters,... You must come out. Come out... to your parents... I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives... come out to your friends... if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors... to your fellow workers... to the people who work where you eat and shop... come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene" 

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are! #nationalcomingoutday

Yes, Dear Constant Reader, the USA's "National Coming Out Day" has arrived again. I've already told my own coming out story, over at the other place, and talked here about how coming out is never over,  how coming out shouldn't be glorified and how marriage equality might ease the coming out process.

But Harvey Milk is still, all these years later, the last word on coming out.

   

Gay brothers and sisters,... You must come out. Come out... to your parents... I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives... come out to your friends... if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors... to your fellow workers... to the people who work where you eat and shop... come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene.

Harvey Milk. He knew his stuff.

"It's Just A Phase!": Sir John Stanley Isn't Completely Wrong Though

My first experience of sexual education happened in the final year of primary school. The girls got a long education session and a bag full of stuff to prepare them for puberty. Us boys, meanwhile, just got a little book. The book was mainly just pointing out what was about to happen to us physically and had an FAQ at the back. One of the questions it dealt with was something along the lines of "I've been having sexual thoughts about other boys, is this normal?"

The booklet answered that question with (and I paraphrase except the "it will pass" ending which stuck in my mind very clearly) "Yes, many boys have dreams involving other boys but this is just a natural phase and it will pass." The certainty of that answer left me in denial for 5 years. I kept telling myself it was just a phase. It'd go away and soon enough I'd start finding girls attractive. Thankfully I accepted the inevitable when I was 14 as it was pretty obvious girls weren't doing it for me. I was lucky, I know plenty of other men took far longer to acknowledge how they felt.

When my Mum and stepfather found out about my sexuality (mere weeks after I accepted it myself) my Mum sat at the kitchen table and through tears cried "It's just a phase. It's just a phase" over and over. Thankfully by the next morning things were very different, and have been ever since, but that evening of horror will remain with me forever.

So "It's just a phase" is not a concept I look upon very favourably. And my knee-jerk reaction to Sir John Stanley's reason for being against equal marriage is "BIGOT!"

"I consider that enshrining gay marriage into law will be unhelpful, and in some cases positively damaging, to young people going through the perfectly normal phase of being attracted to other young people of the same sex before arriving at a heterosexual orientation subsequently." 

But if we put aside my jerked knee, he does have a point. Young people often do go through a phase of being attracted to people of the same sex. Experimentation and what not. But where he goes wrong is in believing that, somehow, equal marriage will somehow interrupt their discovery of heterosexuality, as if all us gays just got lost somewhere in puberty on our journey to straightdom. That is not quite how it works. If one were to believe this, then all expression of homosexuality (both public and private) would need to be banned to ensure children all arrived at the "right" destination. One has to believe that you can somehow "choose" your sexuality and making homosexuality a little less odious might "encourage" people into that "lifestyle" for his point to make any sense.

When I accepted my homosexuality I had to deal with something pretty powerful; the realisation that I would never marry and have kids. You don't realise how much that version of the future is promoted to you throughout your childhood until you see it disappear. Even at 14, I felt that the future that had been carefully laid out before me by my family and by school was now destroyed. I had to remake my dreams from scratch. Equal marriage won't encourage people to be gay, but it might help some teens (and their parents) get through the shock of coming out. That can only be a good thing.

The Closet: The Glory And The Hypocrisy

The Closet, and the inseparable Coming Out experience, is a near-universal commonality between LGB people throughout the world. This powerful shared experience is paradoxically unique to each individual. At once it marks us a person and as a member of a group. This makes reactions to negative discussion of individuals and their own "Closets" often rather illogical and emotional.

I've nothing against the Closet in general. No one chooses to be "in the Closet". It is where people are forced to be. And I've always said you are never more than one question away from a Coming Out moment (in my case "Do you have a girlfriend?"). When I criticise closeted people in the public eye, it's not because I am critical of anyone who is hiding their sexuality for any reason but because their situation is rare and full of symbolism worthy of discussion. I hate having to state this, but I need to because I know from past experience even thinking of suggesting we don't allow Coming Out to erase the political sins and missteps of people's pasts is akin to ripping up some commentator's most beloved teddy. I understand how traumatic it can be, but that doesn't mean we should go lightly on those who have things to answer for.

Take Nigel Evans MP for example. He came out in December 2010. When I dared suggest we berate him for his past transgressions (i.e. support for Clause 28), which now seemed that much worse in the light of his personal circumstances, I was told I couldn't imagine how hard it must of been for him. My heart still bleeds. I never did receive a response from him when I asked exactly how he thought, based on his comments, Clause 28 would protect children and, especially, LGBT children. I suspect his silence is because that was a hastily created excuse to cover up for the real fact; he voted with the whip and had no scrupples about the problems it'd cause LGBT kids. This is the man we should have compassion for? Since then he had an interview with Rhona Cameron:

RC: It does stun me that you can be gay and be in the Conservative party. How did you feel as a young person knowing you were gay, being involved in a party that put into force draconian measures like section 28, and the legacy of that? The reason people like me were bullied at a young age, which affected me for the rest of my life, was because we grew up in a climate of persecution and oppression. Are you telling me that when you heard the beginnings of section 28, you didn't take a hit for that, you didn't feel something in your heart?

NE: No, because I was going through denial, and what I would describe as my Neanderthal phase. It was just stupid, I clearly wasn't thinking. I probably thought, wrongly, that this is what the public want and we should concede it [Evans backed section 28, and once voted against lowering the age of consent]. Of course, I was completely wrong. I said it when I came out, I showed absolutely no leadership, whereas David Cameron has. When you say you can't work out how there are so many gays in the Tory party – David is hugely instrumental in that, because of his approach to gay issues and equality.

Oh, he was in denial! Forgiven. I think not. I have a great deal of respect for those who have deeply held beliefs that oppose my own. I have a deep respect for those who are persuaded by force of argument to change their beliefs.  But to simply say "Oh well I was in denial and it was what the people seemed to want" to explain a political decision is, as I said in my original post on Nigel Evans, spineless.

Then we have David Laws. Unlike Nigel Evans, Laws didn't come out; he was dragged out. Also unlike Nigel Evans, Laws has an exemplary Parliamentary record on LGBT rights. So at least he wasn't a hypocrite whilst in the closet. I think Laws dealt with his situation with dignity considering what happened last year, and I don't really have a problem with him personally. But again, his supporters dragged out the "glory" of the Closet to attempt to excuse his actions with regards to his expenses. And this is where we get to the crux of my problem with some people and the Closet. Their coming out experience is used, sometimes by them or as in this case by their supporters, as a shield to stop criticism and derail debate. Coming out is not something to be glorified, people who come out aren't heroes. Coming out is something we should be ashamed has to still happen in our country. Coming out should be viewed as a necessary evil. We need to stop treating those who come out with kid gloves. All gay, bisexual and lesbian people have to do it, constantly. Sympathise by all means, but don't suggest some millionaire coming out is somehow as damaging as some working class kid in a secondary school. It's insulting. Well at least Laws admits, like Evans, his errors.

Did his obsessive wish for secrecy send a poor signal to gay young people? “Yes I regret that. I don’t think that as an MP and somebody who was education spokesman for the party that I set a very good example in that regard,” he says.

It's 2011. You can come out now. You should have come out 10 years ago. You're not safe now but some of us who came out decades ago can tell you, it's a bloody lot safer than it used to be.

Also it's really time people stopped using their sexuality as an excuse for their other transgressions (looks at Chris Bryant and his expenses issues in 2009 for example). It's insulting to every decent LGBT person out there.

If you feel benevolent and particularly generous, this writer always appreciates things bought for him from his wishlist

Another Spineless MP Comes Out

I remember the first time I held a man's hand in public. We had stones thrown at us. It was pretty terrifying and certainly made my 18 year old self feel reluctant to try it again!

So I appreciate that coming out and being honest about yourself is not easy. I came out during the late nineties when things were becoming easier for LGBT people to be who they are, but when things were still pretty difficult. So I can only imagine what bravery and guts it took the men and women who came out before me, or whose attitudes were formed in that dark past. I'm sure being from that generation makes it extremely difficult for many.

So now I've got that out of the way, let's talk about the spinelessness of one Nigel Evans, Tory MP for the Ribble Valley.

This is a man who voted more times against LGBT rights than he has voted for. Hell, he's been absent more times than he has voted for.

He was only trying to protect the children of course, bless him, from dirty people like... HIM!

Yes. He came out. Supposedly due to threats of being outed by a former Labour MP

‘I could not afford it to be used as leverage against me. I couldn’t take the risk. I don’t want any other MP to face that kind of nastiness again.

‘I am sure there are other gay MPs who would like to be open about their sexuality but are fearful of the consequences. I hope this new group will help them to do so.’

So 1) he didn't come out because he was now comfortable with his sexuality, instead it was to continue to protect his career. 2) he seems overly concerned with helping others feel secure in their sexuality yet in the past voted to keep an unequal age of consent and Section 28 thereby causing many young LGBT people to suffer continued hurt.

As I've said before: Never trust someone who will vote against their own rights just for political advantage and partisanship.

We should not welcome this announcement as another victory for LGBT people but should instead hang our collective heads in shame that yet another LGBT person has come out as an "ex-homophobe". Here's a song I think is most appropriate for this situation. You do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts.



If you feel benevolent and particularly generous, this writer always appreciates things bought for him from his wishlist

Coming Out Is Never Over

Your parents know, your friends know, your employer knows, the local village shop owner knows. You've come out! Hurrah! Get out the rainbow flag and start a parade! Thank God that's over...

Of course, it's never over. Almost every new person you meet will require you to go through the same old routine again, and again, and again. It's something that drives me potty.

I'm a walking contradiction. I'm an openly gay man who has no problem with people knowing I'm gay. At the same time I'm a private person who doesn't feel the need to tell everyone I meet about what I get up to in the bedroom. This makes these encounters rather annoying for me.

Take yesterday as an example. I had a job interview, which went quite well. During the interview we got on to my "other half". The man interviewing me made the assumption that I was straight and began talking about my other half as a "she". Which leaves me with three different dillemmas:

1) the niggling feeling that he might think less of me if I corrected his rather impertinent assumption. I might be out and proud but homophobia is only uncommon rather than rare.
2) the annoyance caused by his assumption. Why should I HAVE to correct him? How dare he assume who I enjoy intimate relations with.
3) my desperate urge to shout "I'm GAY!" as a way of correcting his heteronormative way of thinking.

I, of course, chose politeness and discretion and let it pass. I know us LGBT's are in the minority. But one doesn't assume someone's religion. One doesn't assume someone's political beliefs. So why is it okay to assume the gender of the one I love???

If you feel benevolent and particularly generous, this writer always appreciates things bought for him from his wishlist